that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
The struggle is real.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
New menu item
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
A short story about romance.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: