You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.