You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room