You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*