‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
called in thicc to work this morning
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”