“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Your secret is safeish with me
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.