@hipstermermaid: You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father's Day, internet.
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@GayAtHomeDad: When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
@RidiculousSheri: You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers. You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat. Anyway, I lost an eye today.
@peachesanscream: To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
@notacroc: TIM: how are you? ME: it's Monday TIM: yeah ME: the sun is up TIM: are u just listing facts? ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family