@hipstermermaid: You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father's Day, internet.
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@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@Shock_Monster: I get nervous about DM's asking if it's me in video because: 1. I drink. 2. I sometimes dance when drunk. 3. I'm always white when I dance.
@dshack8: Although no words have been spoken per se, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
@causticbob: Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him? If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.