@juliussharpe: You ran a half-marathon? Wow! Half congratulations!
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@jonnysun: normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list” big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed” exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list” galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
@SaraMansford: Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
@ashley_barnhill: So you kill them with kindness but then what do you do with the bodies WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BODIES SO MANY BODIES OH GOD
@Jimmy_Smacks: When someone says "We can still be friends" after a break up it's like saying..."The dog died but can we still keep it?"