If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary