You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.