You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Well, this explains it:
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.