You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back