You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My beach vacation Google searches
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.