You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.