[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain