I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you