Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I can’t stop laughing at this
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.