You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Important reminders