You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!