You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I hate when that happens.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.