Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.