You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Software Development ⛵️
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…