You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“You’d better run, egg!”