Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.