Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
White Castle for the Win
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.