our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.