“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
New favorite tiktok
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.