“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.