@Norsebysw: "You run like you're making fun of running." -my brother
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [opening can of Russian Pringles] once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can] huh [inside that can is an even smaller can] wtf [in..
@JermHimselfish: *walking away from the big rap battle* "How did he know that I'm lactose intolerant?"
@Rollinintheseat: When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond "Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me."
@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]