“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My dog learned how to text
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.