You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
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Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.