You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this