You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings