You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
You Might Also Like
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Called it
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch