@aveuaskew: You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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@Blarebare: The pet groomer didn't appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the "happy ending".
@Birdhumms: "Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship" *me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
@shutupmikeginn: Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It's weird "You can secretly watch Netflix at work" Oh, please take literally all of my money.
@rolldiggity: I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"