You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Yep.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.