“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
pictures of spider-man
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.