“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.