Ovenable?
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they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.