“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.