You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.