@iAmJuddy: You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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@InternetHippo: BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed” [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
@NotthatAdamWest: On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.
@Brianhopecomedy: A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
@reczit: Smartphone owners are the bravest. They're not afraid of anything not even death. They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn