You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
True?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away