You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
There are 2 kinds of twitter.