@zacharyflynn: You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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@just1fool: The last beer didn't tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.
@Sickayduh: I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
@kumailn: [God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."
@ThugPickles: OMG! THERE'S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! "OMG." Wtf are you doing?! "HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!"