You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?