You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
What the hell happened here.