@facciabella: You say "my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle" like its a bad thing.
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@schumoo: Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
@OctopusCaveman: My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren't meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.
@DiamondLou69: "I'm definitely gonna hit that later tonight!" - Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
@timdonakowski: My new career path: 1. Learn soccer 2. Move to Ghana 3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer