Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Saturday
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay