@novicefather: You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.
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@hippieswordfish: ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches
@shawnspree: Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
@AndrewNadeau0: I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.