@novicefather: You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.
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@ArfMeasures: [Starbucks] ME: [bursts in] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT LARGE BARISTA: [shrugs] ME: [sigh] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT VENTI B: *grande screaming noises*
@DirtMcTurd: How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
@TheCiscoKidder: Cop: Why did you burn that building down? Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.