At least try to make it slightly believable
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*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.