You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage