You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
lost dog
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh