You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
You Might Also Like
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.