@mewritesgood: You say "potato", I say "This isn't working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me."
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@RealSamHarwood: I shouted "the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!" at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
@SeanINCypress: If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
@man_spach: My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
@Xoolun: My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding. I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.