What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”